Fawn No More: Breaking Free from the People-Pleasing Trap and Reclaiming Your Boundaries
Have you ever found yourself constantly putting others' needs before your own, avoiding conflict at all costs, or feeling an overwhelming urge to please others?
If so, you might be experiencing the fawn trauma response. In this blog, we’ll delve into what the fawn response is, how it relates to people-pleasing and attachment, and explore ways to develop healthier habits. Let’s embark on this journey towards reclaiming your authenticity with kindness and self-compassion.
What is the Fawn Trauma Response?
The fawn trauma response is one of the four primary trauma responses, alongside fight, flight, and freeze. The fawn response involves prioritising the needs and desires of others to avoid conflict, criticism, or abandonment. It's a survival mechanism often developed in childhood environments where emotional or physical safety was threatened.
People-Pleasing and Its Impact
People-pleasing, a hallmark of the fawn response, can rob you of your authenticity. Constantly moulding yourself to meet others' expectations can lead to:
Loss of Self-Identity: You might struggle to recognise your own needs, desires, and feelings.
Resentment and Burnout: Continuously prioritising others can lead to emotional exhaustion and resentment.
Lack of Boundaries: Difficulty in setting healthy boundaries can make you vulnerable to exploitation and disrespect.
Trauma Responses and Attachment Styles
Our default trauma response is closely tied to the attachment style we develop in our formative years when we rely on primary caregivers to meet our needs. These trauma responses—Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn—help us survive dangerous situations. A healthy upbringing allows us to access all four responses when needed, but an unhealthy upbringing can cause us to get stuck in a habitual response, even when it no longer serves us.
An overactive trauma response can lead to chronic stress and poor physical, mental, and relational health. This can manifest as a fear of rejection, driving incessant people-pleasing; a reliance on external validation to feel worthy; and the suppression of true thoughts and feelings to avoid conflict or disapproval.
The Importance of Self-Compassion
Healing from the fawn response requires cultivating self-compassion. This involves treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend. Self-compassion can help you:
Acknowledge Your Worth: Recognise that your needs and feelings are valid and important.
Set Healthy Boundaries: Learn to say no and protect your emotional and physical space.
Reclaim Your Authenticity: Start expressing your true self without fear of judgment or rejection.
Developing Healthier Habits
Here are some strategies to address a hyperactive fawn response to trauma:
Awareness - Connect with Yourself: Tune into your authentic needs and emotions. Healing involves shifting focus from others to yourself. Try therapy, journaling, mindfulness, or creative activities to reconnect with your inner self.
Listen to Your Body: Notice physical reactions when others seem upset. Are there sensations like tightness or anxiety? Pay attention to thoughts of responsibility or fixing problems. Build awareness and comfort around these triggers.
Self-Reflection: Reflect on the origins of your fawn response. Understanding its roots can help you develop a compassionate perspective towards yourself.
Therapeutic Support: Consider seeking therapy, especially modalities like trauma-informed therapy, Somatic Experiencing, or Internal Family Systems (IFS), which can help you process and heal from past trauma.
Practice Self-Compassion: Identify when you might be blaming yourself for developing this protective response. Recognise that it was a survival strategy in difficult circumstances. You deserve kindness and understanding. Techniques like mindfulness meditation and self-compassion exercises can help you stay grounded and develop a kinder relationship with yourself.
Practice Boundaries: Gradually assert boundaries and express your needs. Start small, give yourself time to adjust, and practice saying "no" when overwhelmed. Delegate tasks or ask for help to reduce stress.
Avoid Over-Explaining: When setting boundaries or saying no, skip the apologies and explanations. You have the right to refuse without justifying your decision.
Reevaluate Relationships: Reflect on your current relationships. Consider whether they are healthy or harmful, and explore these dynamics in therapy if needed. Let go of relationships that no longer serve you.
"Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we're supposed to be and embracing who we are."
— Brené Brown
The Role of Somatic Experiencing in Healing the Fawn Response
The Importance of Nervous System Regulation
Overcoming the fawn response involves understanding and working with your nervous system, which has been doing its best to keep you safe. This is not about willpower, mental strength, or intellectual capacity. Rather, it's about creating a sense of safety within the body and mind. Somatic Experiencing focuses on:
Creating Awareness: Becoming mindful of your body's sensations, emotions, and behaviours. This awareness helps you recognise when you're engaging in the fawn response.
Identifying Support and Resources: Building a network of supportive relationships and internal resources to foster a sense of safety and resilience.
Finding a Way Back to Regulation: Employing somatic techniques to help the nervous system return to a balanced state, allowing for authentic expression and healthy boundaries.
The fawn trauma response is a complex survival mechanism that can profoundly impact your life and relationships. Understanding it and taking steps towards healing can help you reclaim your authenticity and lead a more fulfilling life.
Embrace self-compassion, set healthy boundaries, and seek support when needed. Your journey towards healing and authenticity is a courageous and empowering path.
Trauma Resolution
If you’re interested in taking this empowering step towards a more fulfilling life and healthier relationships, I offer individual therapeutic session specifically designed for your needs. For more information about somatic experiencing therapy or to schedule a free 15-minute introductory call, contact me